CHAOS, PUN-GEE!

This is what Tyler says when things are crazy. He's imitating Ben, who exclaims "Chaos! Pandemonium!" to be funny.

I have two friends with kids and they are equally far away. My local friends and work friends are all "child free" as the saying goes. I was chatting with some recently and somehow got caught up in a who's-too-busy competition, I don't know how. I started by saying how envious I was that my friend had time to sew. She was really insistant that she was really really busy and her life was crazy. And I said but you don't have kids. Apparently this did not suffice to convince her.

I love it when people come in tired from staying up late and complain about it, or say how much trouble their cats are, and the like. If a cat annoys you you can put them outside your bedroom door. You can't do that with a sick child. Yes, I know, cats get sick. Hey, I had a cat with cancer, okay? I KNOW. But now that I have two children--and goodness knows I love them more than life itself (and I mean that)--still I feel that I am on a hamster wheel and I CAN'T GET OFF OF IT. Toilets and sinks go uncleaned for weeks. I only vaccum because my 9-month-old wants to eat anything she can find off the floor! I wear wrinkled clothes out of clean hampers. I don't have time for the dentist or to get my hair cut. I make plans and cancel them if the kids get sick or throw a tantrum or something. I am isolated in a very personal way. We live like wolves and I'm embarrassed to have anyone over. I am on a strict schedule of taking them to daycare and getting to work and rushing around w/ not enuf time and rushing back to pick them up before incurring a dollar-a-minute fee, then it's all about one wants to nurse while the other throws a fit b/c his train set won't click together easily and he's hungry for dinner NOW even tho my husband isn't home yet to eat w/ us and I don't get to pee at all until hours later. Lately I've made an effort to wash dishes after the kids get to sleep at night and first, I am more tired than ever--and I mean it, bone tired, tired on a cellular level, tired and no-you-don't-get-to-take-a-nap tired, tired-every-day-and-you-have-to-keep-going tired--and second, I can't handle new problems. I get a weird call from my car dealership warning that my warrantee will run out if I don't call immediately and I think hey, I paid good money for a 7 year extended warrantee and where did that go? I haven't had a chance to call them about this issue-that-should-not-be-an-issue and days have sped by and one more thing like this and I think I will have a total mental breakdown. I'm already on edge b/c my 401k and the kids' 529 Bright Start accounts are crumbling in the economic crisis. And where did the contractor go who was supposed to be fixing the now opened-up shell of a wall in my front room? And this is NORMAL, all the parents say. They just LOVE to say "welcome to parenthood, ha ha ha." Can I slap them now? Because that is NOT HELPING.

And I take my work lunch here to blog after not blogging for 9 months and what do I talk about??? Sheesh. And yes, I'm skipping an errand I need to make to buy diapers and pull-ups to stay in a blog. *sigh* My friends say oh take a break and come out with us for dinner. Dinner? Well I have to bring my baby who is still nursing, and who loads up on evenings b/c she hates the bottle, and I'll have to leave early b/c she'll fall asleep at 8:15. And get this--I WANT to bring my baby! I LOVE nursing her, I love holding her and discovering the world through her. And when I try to blend my life as a parent and my otherwise life, I find myself listening to...how tired "they" are since they stayed up late working on a craft project, or how much weight they have lost on their big diet and exercise program, or what wonderful trips they've taken (have I told you about my last wreckage of a trip?) or museums and festivals they've been to. Etc etc etc.

I don't know. I'm at a loss. I've joined, left, and joined parenting groups. Now I'm in two, one of which I helped to create but can never attend events (which are usually far away), and the other I can't keep up with as it's a list-serve and I never have time for the multiple digest-length e-mails. I joined a mommy-and-me music class for babies that promised in the brochure that I could make friends with other parents and I swear they avoided me. That was when my first was a baby. Now, whenever I do meet parents I must seem too desperate to make friends for playdates, or maybe I put on my stay-away perfume, or they already are in a happy parent clique or something b/c sometimes I feel I am the lonliest parent at the playground and I just don't get it. I don't get how to navigate this part of my life--no, not "part of", but MY LIFE, completely.

* big sigh *

Okay, I do have a friend with an equally stressful life, also with kids, and altho she's in another state, it does save my sanity to e-mail back and forth (you know who you are). Even if it's "OMG here's my latest disaster" it's good to not be the only one. So, thank you for that! And of course (or luckily) my husband shares many of these feelings, too. It often feels like it's us against the world, except when it is us against each other! Did I mention parenthood can be stressful? *sigh*

I'm just feeling frustrated and fed up today.
*
*
*