I'M A CREAM PUFF

Man, I so hated my surgery last Friday. I'm a terrible patient! The doctor I like. And it's good that I felt that I could trust him. The nurses and residents were nice, and good at their jobs, in my unprofessional opinion. The anesthesiologist was terrible at putting in the IV and stuck me three times, and handled it badly. Even tho I've had 3 IVs all in my hand, he preferred the easier wrist. The first one didn't work but he didn't tell me, I made such a fuss writhing around in pain and saying I was going to faint or throw up, he lied and said he's turn it off "for my comfort." But his resident assistant spilled the beans. Their solution was to put me under gas, then do the IV, in the surgery room. I was really freaked out. I felt so out of control, of my body, of my fate, and way out of my comfort level. I've never felt so vulnerable and exposed.

I really really want to avoid procedures as much as I can. I'm not sure I will get my wish. I'm sure I'll have tests on my heart soon enuf and as I age. And all my older relatives are getting biopsies and colonoscopies and mammagrams. What I really wonder is, why can't I get experiences like this out of my head? Why were the births of both my children such traumas? Why was this procedure such a trauma? How is it I get so traumatized and how can I let go and move on? Because there are still times when I fall into a funk, remembering Tyler's scary stay in the hospital shortly after he was born, or wishing I could go back and do such-and-such differently during the birth of Megan, and now this surgery which has left me feeling so violated. Is it just my personality? How do I find peace?